Bare Minimum

Finally, the participation trophy you actually earned. It doesn’t congratulate excellence, it celebrates survival. This is your official gold star for showing up, not catching on fire, and only crying in the bathroom twice today. Truly Olympic-level mediocrity.

• Zero effort required, just like your last performance review.
• Bright enough to blind your overachieving coworkers
• Premium waterproof vinyl
• Sticks better than your excuses
• Approximately 2 inches of unearned confidence 

Slap it your laptop, water bottle, or cut out the middleman and stick it directly on your forehead. Let the world know you technically participated in adulthood today and that’s more than enough.

You didn’t burn the place down. Here’s your cookie. Actually no cookie. Just the sticker. You get what you give.