Magic 8 Ball

Remember when you were a kid and the Magic 8 Ball always gave you soft little lies like "outlook good" or "ask again later"? Yeah, this ain’t that. This thing skipped straight to "abandon hope."

• Answers every question with the cold honesty your therapist charges $150/hour for
• Delivers the emotional damage your group chat is too scared to send 
• Appropriately 2 inches of premium waterproof vinyl thick enough to survive the apocalypse, existential crises, and being peeling off in a fit of denial 
• Sticks better than your student loans and the sense of impending doom

Put it on your laptop, hydroflask, helmet, or on the dashboard of the car you definitely can’t afford to fix. Glance at it every morning and whisper, "Same…same", because sometimes "signs point to yes" just isn’t the vibe.

Spoiler: Shaking doesn’t help. The answer never changes.