Penguin

Oh, look at this absolute paragon of unchecked optimism: the Happy Penguin sticker, here to remind you that some beings in this cold, cruel world are capable of feeling joy without irony.

This plump little menace is frozen mid-celebration: eyes squeezed shut in smug satisfaction and one flipper flung skyward like it just won the lottery and wants everyone to know. That tiny tuft of hair? Clearly styled for maximum smugness. It’s not just happy; it’s passive-aggressively happy, as if daring you to stay grumpy in its presence. It’s basically radiating so much joy it’s borderline offensive to anyone having a mediocre day.

• ~2 inches of concentrated serotonin
• So happy it should come with a trigger warning
• Delivers enough forced cheer to power through your existential dread for weeks
• Waterproof and scratch-resistant, because misery loves company but joy apparently loves longevity
• Zero subtlety included – this little tyrant demands attention like it owns your emotional real estate

Slap this on your laptop, water bottle, phone, or that sad beige notebook you pretend to journal in and watch it single-handedly ruin your carefully cultivated aesthetic of quiet despair.

Caution: Prolonged exposure may result in accidental smiling, spontaneous optimism, or worst of all—hope. Side effects not covered by insurance. Proceed with maximum eye-rolling.