Rubber Ducky

Wow, bold move—committing to a sticker of a literal children’s bath toy as your personality centerpiece. Feast your weary eyes on this insufferable rubber duck: aggressively yellow like a radioactive banana, gleaming with the confidence of something that has never paid taxes, sporting cartoon eyes the size of your unmet emotional needs, and a beak locked in an eternal “quack” that’s clearly laughing at you.

Essential for people whose inner child never grew up (or moved out), nostalgia vampires, and anyone whose therapist suggested “more whimsy” as a coping mechanism.

• Oversized eyes that follow you around, silently questioning your life choices 24/7.
• ~2in of “I’m just a duck, why are you like this?” energy 24/7
• Subtly implies you’re immature for owning it—while secretly making everything 10% more tolerable.
• Won’t demand feeding, walks, or therapy—unlike every other relationship in your life.
• Survives UV rays, torrential downpours, and the slow erosion of your will to live.
• Guarantees unsolicited comments from coworkers, immediately followed by your deadpan “It’s judging you right now.”

Plaster this condescending blob on your overpriced laptop, your “emotional support” water bottle, your cracked phone screen, or that journal where you write “gratitude” lists nobody believes. Watch as it silently judges your life from your car bumper while you’re stuck in traffic, late again.

Buy it. You know you have the impulse control of a toddler in a candy store.