Smooth Brain

Well done, genius. You’ve officially unlocked the sticker equivalent of a participation trophy for having the intellectual horsepower of a Roomba stuck on carpet. A hot-pink brain getting slathered in “Wrinkle Cream” because apparently that’s the closest thing to brain folds you’ve seen in years. And because subtlety is for people with functioning frontal lobes, it slaps you with “You used it today didn’t you?” Yes. Yes, you tragic little smooth-brained icon, you most certainly did.

Plaster this badge of smooth-brain honor on your laptop (where you google things you just read), your mirror (for that daily reality check you ignore), your “skincare” shelf (next to the 12 other useless potions), or your car (so everyone behind you knows why you brake randomly).

• Requires zero intellectual effort to apply, which is perfect for the target audience.
• Survives rain, regret, and the heat death of the universe.
• Saves people the trouble of talking to you — your sticker already explained everything.
• Outlasts your attention span, your New Year’s resolutions, and whatever trend you’re chasing this week.
• Approximately 2 inches — big enough to be noticed and judged from across the room, small enough to pretend you didn’t put it there on purpose.

Mandatory for professional scrollers, people who ask “is this gluten?” about water, and anyone whose brightest idea today was buying this sticker.

Embrace the smoothness. It’s all you’ve got left.